Health Schmelth

I have a terrible fear of doctors, needles and hospitals. I would much rather catch a snake with my bare hands, or jump off a cliff, no problem, but the moment I walk into a hospital, fear and panic sets in, and tears just come out of nowhere, no matter how hard I try to keep my composure. I have been squeamish since I was a little girl, and nothing has changed since. Is this fear just in my head and irrational? 

After my last stay at the hospital, I am not as convinced that I am the problem anymore, nor that my fear is irrational. Let me tell you about my very unfortunate stay there, and you be the judge…

It was in the middle of a very hot summer that I ended up in hospital on an oxygen mask, drip, the works. I was in a lot of pain, and haven’t slept in days, so the doctor added a sleeping tablet to my already potent medicine mix. Shortly after I received my adjusted cocktail for the night, a heavy rain storm ensued, which was very welcome after the heat. By now all the meds were working wonderfully together, courtesy of the very incompetent staff of the hospital who accidentally gave me a double dose, and I was seeing noises and hearing colours. Feeling very strong, I got up and went into the private courtyard outside my room to watch the spectacular firework display (or as non hallucinating people would call it, thunder and lightning). 

This was only the start of my bizarre evening. I was running around the hospital, causing havoc as far as I went. I argued with the staff who wanted me to go to bed, when I clearly had a world out there to save, being Super Woman and all. I called a friend to bring my cape to prove to the nurses who I really am (I do not have a cape, and I know it’s hard to believe, but I am not Super Woman either…) I could not understand why the roof of the hospital was missing, leaving me soaking wet, and who moved my bed outside into the courtyard?

At this point I was famished after all my shenanigans, so apparently I then ate a random patient’s pizza that was left there by her caring husband for when she wakes up. Shortly after that I was flying around the moon on my magical turtle, while the hospital was on hostage lock down after an armed robbery. Quite a busy and eventful evening if you ask me.

Now there is a slight possibility that you may think everything didn’t go down exactly as I describe it, but I have proof of three hours of running commentary on a Whatsapp chat between my friend and I, detailing all of these events to the finest detail, so the joke would be on you.

At least I can not say that my stay there was boring, but I can categorically state that my fear of doctors and hospitals are completely founded, real and properly documented!

Health Schmelth

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